after i talked with so many ppl and exchanged our minds a.k.a thoughts.. hey, am aint that bad, right? hahahahhaa…. wink wink wink wink wink … i think almost whole day was raining … JIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! put more oil!!! i think, im so busy at the mo!! hahahahaa… cool, cool, cool!!! i have set up ma mind that i need to finish this project ASAP!!! the more i delay it, the more its gonna be creepy for me, the more longer im gonna stuck. so fcukin datelineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… datelineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee …. just half way to gooooooooooooooooooooo … im so restless this day, because im thinkin all the wa toy finish this project. damned!!! yeah, was thinkin i had no skill with this project. yeah, yeah, yeah, i can do it, but im lazy! hahhahahahahaahahhaa…. i set a target before 15 of may, okie? so weird mannn… usually, im really fast finding tonz of ideas, but not now… i guess, my brain doesnt work.

melb is so weird! did i change or just melbourne? after living for almost 5 years, lookin thru back, melb is much more better than before. what can i say? been livin here for almost 5 years, same place, same corner but heck yeah, the construction next to ma tower hasnt finished at all, even they build another tower. my god!!! what an odd view!! before, just from my window, i could see the view rest of melbourne but now? cant even see anythin… the new office tower blocked my view from my balcony with their stupid shiny tin on their glass windows. fcukin hell!!! and the reflection of the tin glass, of course goes to my desk, where im usually spend my time in front of the computer. what do u expect? cant even ask em to shut down the office! hahahahahahaha….

lookin thru those years and what ive been thru, heck yeah … a lot of lessons that ive learnt but yet im still learning until now. luckily, i dont mess around or screw up myself for idiot things. hell yeah! monday … monday … havent checked the forecast, hopefully i can go out to do somethin … uuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm … i need chocos mannnn … im so dying craving for stupid things, yeah lately i didnt eat for snacks, chocos, etc. coz i was tryin to control myself, coz its not good to eat those kinda of things too much. oh yeah, but once in a while is OK. hahaha.. i dont think its once in a while!! hahahahahhaa….  i love eating mannnnnnn … yummy!!! i wanna eat cakes!! hehehehehhee…

2 weeks to go til i get my dvds series!! huauhauhaauhuhauhaaa…. i just finished a HK series 30 episodes in 2 days! hahahaha…. shiet ending!! but its all good and from the series i got a message from it thought.

love yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa …. jay rocks!! hahahaha….

taek… lagu2 NAFF enak2 yeh (suara vokalisnye kae PADI)… huauhauhuhaa… prasaan gue kalo nulis begenean byk pake titik2nya dei … kebiasaan bok!! tp keknya byk jg yg persis kek gw, yg doyan pake titik2. aduh… gak penting bgt kale yeeeeee gw nulisin en ngebahasa begituan.

bangke juga tuh bloggie gue atu lage. gue blom fix it! males… so, for a while im gonna write it here lah lah lah lah … anyways, yknow lah i never liked BIG BROTHER show. but last nite i got nothin to do, so then i just watched it for fun. hahahaa.. the games were so fcukin nasty and stupid. they had to carry eggs which made from balloon + water. but it was sort of like THE FLINSTONES era! hahahahaa… ok, thats hillarious!! i laughed like a shiet. well, trust me! ive never laughed at BIG BROTHER show when I watched it for years (sometimes), only this season. BIG BRO is so fcukin BORING!! but this season.. hahaha.. they have asian members a.k.a ABC… and MICHAEL is so adorable!! hahahahahhahahahaha…. ok, never mind!! thats so not important!

these days im thinkin a lot, hell yeah!!! i have sort of plans. hahhahaa.. and rubbish … rubbish … i threw tonz of rubbish againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn …. see … im cleaning house all the time including rearrange. nice, hey? what a new activity for me. i fixed things by myself AGAINNNNNNNNNN! hahahahaha… Adwin says, DIYOD!!! a.k.a DO IT YOURSELF OR DIE!! half way to go mannn …

im saving money to buy an external computer storage 300GB, at least or between 100-200GB! hahahahahhaaa…. i have already 120GB! lolz… cry for me please!!! but i really need 300GB, indeed! hahaha…

im addicted to ma old skool hobby!! hahahahahahaa… im so damned addicted!!! im soo soo soooo sooooo addicted!!! this is my permanent long term hobby! but im thinkin far a head just now! because i have a long term plan for staying in jtown for a while at least 6 months or more. oh hell yeah, bet ya… i might be have to stop this hobby. oh mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn … jtown is not suitable for this hobby, unfortunetely, been there done that before. so then, aaaaarrrrrgggggggg… cant decide at the mo. should i give up and let go this hobby? hahahaa.. coz been doin this for all my life already.

talking about this local aussie twin group, THE VERONICAS … last year i really hated em!! coz i thought their music was crap!! but after all, when i tried to follow the beat, hell yeah, THEY ARE JUST NOT TOO BAD!!! no more explanation, im lazy!!

look at ma NOSE!! aaaaaaarrrrrggggg … huauhauhauhauhuhaa… ok, no explanation! lazy!!

i think someone is being so over BAKA!! hahahha… i just wanna say like this to this person that i thought being so over BAKA, "god gives you a good life, HE wants to change your life to be better, but hell yeah, you ruined it! thats too sad, hey? so, congratulations with your fcuked/fed up life!!".

new reality life!! hahahahahhaa.. anjing abessssssssssssss… hp gueeeeeeeee … sob sob!!! si joe cakep yak? huauhauhauhaauhauhaa… cool nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee gak kuku bok!! haiz!! bikin org gregetan en pengen bilank, "i want chu so badly!!", kl ngeliat tampangnya. senga abesssssss… sepa abesssssssssssss .. blagu abessssssssss … mean abesssssss!! sadis!! thats all i can say!! lutunaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…..

What was your name again?", I tried to recall.
Again, I met a new friend who owns a local band. Yeah I won’t mention his group name or whatsoever. COOL!! Where are they gonna play this weekend? BRUNSWICK? He said, "We’re actually in the process of recording some stuff which we’ll put on cd with some live material pretty soon so if you’re interested i’ll save a copy for you".

Cool! Cool! Cool!!! After reading so many ppl’s bloggies. I thought I was the only one who had FCUK************** LIFE!!! I assumed that I dont have a FCUK************************** LIFE but I was thinking that I had that kind of life? Hahahhaahaa…. I’m a silly ho, what can you do?

Everytime I look at my books shelf, I think I wanted to die. I bought too many books that I supposed to read but I didnt. I think I have to grab a few of them. Most of em I have already put in the boxes, ages ago. Get ready to send back home. In my house, back home, I have more insane amount of books collection. I aint a book-worm but I just love books. I used to read a lot, but things were just a lil bit insane! I remember, I used to bring any kind of novels to school/uni. While I was free, I went to a nice spot and read it. Books are everywhere in my house even in the toilet! Hahahhaaa… But not anymore, hey?

I wonder why JT’s voice is so fcukin amazing … I knew it since the first time I saw him during ma Junior High Skool years. While I thought other fcukin stupid boysbands were lack of talented voice. Yknow, I have never realized this kind of shiet, but oh well … since someone wrote this down and I tried to listen it again after it’s been ages. Damned!! Hahahhaa… I dont even remember this song. It goes like this:

"I just don’t understand
Why you’re running from a good man baby
Why you wanna turn your back on love
Why you’ve already given up
See I know you’ve been hurt before
But I swear I’ll give you so much more
I swear I’ll never let you down
Cause I swear it’s you that I adore
And I can’t help myself babe
Cause I think about you constantly
and my heart gets no rest over you

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless (hopeless)
Cause I’m hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who’s perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I’m the only one for you
What’s wrong with being selfish?

I’ll be taking up your time
Until the day I make you realize
That for your there could be no one else
I just gotta have you for myself
Baby I would take good care of you
No matter what it is you’re going through
I’ll be there for you when you’re in need
Baby believe in me
If love was a crime
Then punish me
I would die for you
Cause I don’t want to live without you
Oh what can I do?

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless (hopeless)
Cause I’m hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who’s perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I’m the only one for you

Why do you keep us apart
Why won’t you give up your heart
You know that we’re meant to be together
Why do you push me away
All that I want is to give you love
Forever and ever and ever and ever

You can call me selfish
But all I want is your love
You can call me hopeless (hopeless)
Because I’m hopelessly in love
You can call me unperfect
But who’s perfect?
Tell me what do I gotta do
To prove that I’m the only one for you

Selfishly I’m in love with you
Cause I’ve searched my soul
and know that it’s you
Selfishly I’m in love with you
Cause I’ve searched my soul
and know that it’s you
Selfishly I’m in love with you
Cause I’ve searched my soul
and know that it’s you..

To prove that I’m the only one for you
So what’s wrong with being selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish…
So what’s wrong with being selfish…"

Hahahhahahaa.. anjing!!! ini lagu anjing abes mannnnnnnn … cuih abes!! You can call me selfish .. lallalalaa.. Im so hopelessly in love with cha!! OH MY GOD!!!! Mentereng abes neh lagu!! Despite of it, I was reading thru his journal again and it goes like this:

{2003.11.15]

Im so fcuked of with my study. This is my final semester and Im getting nervous. I wonder if I can pass all the exams or not. But I bet, I will. Dont you think so? Holidays! Holidays!! Im working hard to earn just a few bucks. It’s really damn hard to study while you’re studying. I think, I work more than I study. Too bad, I cant do much! On the other hand, it’s getting confused. I confused of myself. Do I really into her? But if I do, why did act like a shiet in front of her? I dont understand. But still, why am I always thinking that I have to protect her, do whatever I can for her, to make her happy and other stupid thoughts? Love? What is it? It is just a crap of shiet. I aint think about it at all but just recently I feel a stranger inside my body, a different soul of mine. I dont know it is me or what. She made this heart melted like a piece of ice-deco. She torch my heart, she fills those empty spots. Then what am I gonna do now? Come on… I feel really stupid, why am I fall in love all over the heels while I know I dont have any heels. Nowadays, everytime I see her, my heart feels weird, when I talk-I am stutter like a hell. Whats wrong?

FCUK ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS … I LOVE YOU MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN .. peace yo, ma bro!! taek abessssssssss … wakkakakakakakaa… my brain is starting sux!!!!!! cant think properly!! wahey!! think im realli realli drunkie?? dun be bothred.. i think no purpose nor reason im writing like this like an idiot!!!

TO READ THIS U NEED CHINESE ENCODING!!

oh my god!! slurpssssssssssssss…..

先清楚自己這麼有運氣 能在海關感嘆 世事沒完美 極運滯日子都不要忘記 還在呼吸心跳 我未被遺棄.

我 我沒有害過人   只想失戀也有名份   我 太樂意獻一吻    為甚麼這溫柔會犯禁

若你我可抱著睡 連命也甘心短幾歲   誰能及我 將性命也豁出去    若與你好有罪 全是律例不對

我要追 離棄世界亦要追   寧願天去收我 也替你受重傷   金剛跟美女戀上 也是個傳奇狂想

縱是遺憾收場 都必需跟你 明刀明槍  子彈不怕上 一級級上塔尖欣賞   欣賞你憂傷

就算你早有別人 無礙我爭取夢中人   扶搖直上 高到共你能擁吻    別說到太高深 能自願便相襯

夠決心 越中箭我越勇敢    不屑 不信 不怕 打擊更令我堅強   這縱是妄想 能得到你給舉世景仰

我有我夢與想 多高攀也敢攀上   這份愛傳奇無雙   縱是遺憾收場 都必需跟你 明刀明槍

子彈不怕上 一級級上塔尖欣賞   苦命人 相擁俯看 世上風霜

btw, i love this @ Justin LO

I know that you’ve been watching over me

You’re up so high, the brightest in the sky
You know that every night I pray my soul for you
Tomorrow won’t be as blue

Oh girl I hope you can understand
That the sun will always shine again
Now that you find your way onto a better day

You’ll shine again
You’ll shine again
Give you strength and love to fight the days ahead
I see the light
See a rainbow
See the beauty that’s within you
You’ll shine again

You are so beautiful…. oh….

gue cuman pengen ngomong kek gini, "ANNNNNNNJJJJJJJJJIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG ABES!!!!!!". GAK ADA artinya di balik kata2 itu… cuman keknya gue udeh lama kaga ngobrol sama org yg isa gue ngasalin. yknow what i mean? yg isa gue ajak NYABLAK sana sini dgn sgalam macem bhs preman gue (kata org2 seh preman), dgn sgala ketidak-warasan gue sbg manusia dlm berkata2 en menerima semua cercaan n makian gw dlm sgala macem bhs dewa gue plus banyolan2 gue yg bener2 jayoes abes a.k.a garing mannnnnn. cmon… just for fun! krn slama ini gue udeh terlalu capek berperan dlm drama, yg dimana di dpn org2 gue mesti sok polite en kalem, krn byk org yg gue kenal itu terlalu gimana yaaaaaaa… terlalu ngejaga image en terlalu gimanaaaaaaaaaaaa gitu, yg intinya gak bisa deh ngomong ato pake kata yg bener2 istilah RUDE. kadank pengen juga sih gue nge act rada kacau di dpn org2 yg baru gue kenal, yah beberapa thn lah kenalnya, but i guess, mrk bukan type org2 yg bad-boys/girls, bukan dr kalangan preman kek gue! Hahhahahahahahahahaha…. mank dasar preman pasar susah! alaaaaaaahhhhhhh …. but yg udeh kenal gue dr jaman bahala juga tau lah gue orgnye kae gemana, kl ngomong emank ngasal en nyablak, yg udeh ada di pala gue, gue maen kuarin ajeh. but somehow, gue ngerti prasaan org, jdnya i can control it most of the time. berbahagia lah dikau yg udeh kenal gue dr jaman gue maseh sarap mpe skrg. hahhahaa… makanya tuh gue bykkn diem mulai dr 5 thn lalu… aslinya seh…. bisa bikin mata elo melotot en mo kuar ajeh dr klopak mata loe. tp lutu juga yeh jek kl misalnye pake english…. gak kena abessssssss hoi!!! kog gue jd kangen indo yeh? hahahahahaa… anjrit!! bapuk… bapuk… bapuk… gue pengen balik neh….  kek nya gue udeh uzur di melb, udeh mo jd bangke tar lage. kog gue bagaikan menghitung hari yeh? trus gue kebykkan pake slangs yeh kaena? dr indo en english, semuanya slangs… kapan sih gue mo ngomong pake bhs yg formal.. aje gileeeeeeeeee.. gak bisa nyet!! susah!! udeh bawaan dr kampoeng betawi!! hhahaha… anjing abes, tv tuh ye.. gak ada yg bagos prasaan.. males bgt!! kog gue jd kangen ama acara2 tv di indo yeh yg sangar2 abesssss en bener2 menjayoeskan dunia per-indo-an. apaan sih? kebayang gak seh layaknye (cieeeeeeeee) seorg turis, pas gue balik jtown after di bilang boleh lah cukup lama, kog gue asli norak abesssssssss… kerjaan gue? pantengin tipi molo euy!! kaena semua sinetron, semua acara gosip-infotement, dll gue tontonin semua, kecuali kalo gue gak di rumah. gak ada dei namanya nonton2 vcd, males bgt. gue juga udeh eneg bgt ama vcd/dvd series. udeh mo mati dah… kae elo kaga tau ajeh kerjaan gue di melb, abis tuh semua vcd/dvd plus cinema. apa sih yg kaga gua tonton? semua acara cable juga udeh pantengin dr yg bule mpe asia. oh my god!! mo jd apa sih lo? gak kerasa yeh waktu itu cepet … oh my god!<<< pake gaya tengil! tp yg gue rasain kog biasa ajeh yeeeeeeeee… mirip lautan/sungai yg tak bermuara… anjing, bhs gue kog kek begeneeeeeeeeee? dan keanehan .. pas gue balik indo tuh… buset, kog gue susah skale ngerti bhs org indo yeh? mrk ngomongnye cepet2 bgt. hahahahhaaa… what a shame mannnnn .. pas gue balik, gw ketemu byk org, gue itu bagaikan seorg manusia yg kaga lancar listening indo nya. ampon gueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee …. pdhal gue kl pas di indo kan biang2nya bhs aneh2, skrg gue sendiri neh yg agak2 susah. kl ngomong seh gampang lah, nulis juga and blah blah blah … cuman kadank listening bhs indo gue kek nya kurang. ya sapa suruh loe2 pd ngomongnye cepet abes, ud kae org nge rap. baki abes… pembokat gue ngomong bhs indo lancar ajeh, gue mase beribet dengernye. pegimane english? huauhauhauhauha… english mah laen lage… aneh dei gue… gue ini anak indo pa bukan seh? gue maseh berjiwa patriotisme kog (kl bener yeh spell nye), maseh membela sebangsa en setanah air (yg ade gue kabur dolo dah), gitu deeeee… aih … gak ngerti ah! keknya 7am itu bikin otak gue makin gak bener …. terlalu byk hal2 yg lalu lalang (anjrit, bhs dr mana neh? nyontek kamoes dolo yeh?) yg di otak gue… eh tukang sampah lewat tuh!! ya sudah lah teman, rasanya saya sudah tidak berakal n berbudi at the mo… otak gue freezing bagaikan winter .. cieeeeeee.. monyet, 8 degrees tauk… bedebah .. jahanam .. haram jadah!!<<< gue jd inget JADAKISS!! hahahahhahaa…. im so fcukin drunk maybe!!! i luv chu beibeh!!! kamulah satu2nya yg ternyata mengerti akuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu …. maafkan aku yg slama ini sedikit melupakanmuuuuuuuuu <<< kl ga salah kata nya dewa… saya mau pulannnnnnggggggggg!!! tukang sampah lewaaaaaaatttt!!! maybe someday you’ll understand, now and forever, until the time is through. haizzzzzzzz….

actually, how many of you are reading my blog? i wonder … and great news, after for so long, maybe after 3 years or so, i found my French friend back, Benoite de Saporta. she moved all the time, and now she got her new address. then she got a new email address. i was so lucky that she checked her old skool email that usually she never checks at all. currently, i found 4 of my long lost mates!! nuts!! one in Austria (Claudia), 1 in Germany (Connie), 1 in Swiss (Sandra) and the last one is from France. indeed, time does fly!! i remember, we used to be very old skool teenages. when it was?  i forgot when the first time i met Benoite, i think it was in 1997? yeah, i think i met everyone when i was high school. nice… i met tonz of people those years, during high skool.

at the moment, im using my laptop. insane laptop and i need to buy a new one. hahahahaha… but no money mannn… im trying to save more money, try not to hang out too much, not to shop too much, not too crave things too much. basically, i cut off everything i used to have and i used to want. IT IS A MUST!!! i have to cut off my phone bills as well. everything! hey im living in a BIG BROTHER’s house! yknow that Aussie reality show!! hahahhahahaa… sort of, if u want to imagine my life at the mo. i cant afford my expensive hobbies no more. yeah, if uve been friends with me too long until u cant remember it, then absolutely  you know what my expensive hobbies are. ppl mite ask why, this and that. no explaination. i have to admit that ive stopped doing those kinda of stupid hobbies since 2004, i tried to control myself. but yet, yeah .. i did, esp. this year. so i did an incredible job!! im trying to go back to my very old skool hobby, and im doing it now, which is very very very cheap.

and for god sake’s, im not like everyone thinks, with all the funds, monies, happy life, always get what i want, livin like a paris hilton or nicole richie, that you can buy anything and everything you want as long as you have money. i think everyone fancies things too much about things and life im having. fcukin hell!! bullshiet mannnnnn …. if i can get everything i want then i dun need to live like this. what image ppl gave me? rich kid? boooooo hoooooo meeeee!! no way, thats too far! more or less, as i said, uve been friends too long with me, at least more than 5-10 years, then you would know exactly the real me, that what everyone says nowadays "just bullshiet" esp. ppl who just be friends wiv me in the past few years. they thought and judged me too much!

sometimes i wonder, what the real purpose im writing a blog? do i really want ppl ready about every single thing of my life? i dont think so. the problem is, ive been writing this kind of things since i was 7 years old but that time, no bloggie at all. so i started to write in a book. then when the computer things came out,  or least when i knew how a computer works (when i was just at 5th grade), i started to write down things on computers file which i could save in a disc. when i was high school, internet was booming, well… but i didnt have an internet that time. yknow i wrote every single things that happened to me when i was high school, every day i wrote the same things, the same person, the same people, etc. too much pains those days. but then when i started uni in 2000, i stopped everything. i didnt wanna write no more. it was so fuckin insane! no more love life to be worried! haaaaa… im free! what a terrible heart-breaking! i travelled most of the time, i did what i wanted to do, hung out with mates, and blah blah blah blah … but when i was kept lookin back, there was a day that i wanted change my life forever. i decided to move to UK, unfortunetely, i couldnt make it, till then i decided go to Australia. trust me, ive never liked OZ, just no heart in it though coz i love UK more than anything since i was junior high (maybe grade/year 7th). no need to explain why, most of ma mates knew about this. lazy to explain more. i tried to adopt everything about aussies, but oh yeah… it was so easy!! friends all the time stuck with me, until i didnt have time for myself. i guess, i was too much having friends and fun. haaaaaa… what a busy life mannnnn ….

started a new life, new uni, new friends, new course… and blah … life was seemed so easy for me. never worried about assignments and so on. coz ive always finished my essays before the due day, there was only a day in whole years that i couldnt do my essay coz of no books, til i had to go to far away to get it, GEELONG? hahahaha… never mind. too busy with life til i forgot my "sane" hobby! i lost my passions!! expensive hobby! hahahahhaa… i would do anythin for this hobby even if i had to sacrifice my life! haaaaaa…. wonder what it was? no time for explanation. honestly, i really want to get back to this hobby though. i do …. but i lost my passions already and i need to rebuild everything again.

after i crammed too much subjects at uni, i tried to finished everything in time and doing the subjects in the summer time. hell yeah… i was nuts! terribly, in these 2 years, i couldnt manage my time at all, for friends, school and so on. i didnt even have much time for myself no more. i always do spend my quality time alone, most of the time, where i can relax, far away from outside life and friends. it sounds cheeky but oh well .. life … at the mo, i really need go outside, travel as much as i can, while i can. i hope this year i can make it, going to Europe and Japan. its been so long since the last time ive seen the other part of this world.

after i finished things, everythings done … i had to sacrified one thang in my life. but i guess, it was the risk after i got what i wanted, finished my uni and blah blah blah … life isnt always smooth though. but here i am, still standing tough, facing day each day… well, you can say, i did an incredible job, so i deserved a nice compliment. hahahaha….  after things done, i feel like im missing home now. sigh … yknow during these years, in the past of 4.5 year, i forgot about home coz i was too busy with my life. i forgot all those beloved people in my life. so, i guess, it’s time to return to my roots sooner or later.

so many things that i wanted to write. i think im still living in the past. because im hardly to let go things. i still remember every corner of my life, every single scene that happened since i was able to see things and mature enuff to understand what happened in my life. how just a small thing can turn your life around in one second. a loss/a grief for a friend, thats how funny how i managed it by myself, to cure myself, to think by myself and talk/write to this stupid blog since i dont wanna talk about it to friends or whatsoever and i think i dont wanna recall it no more. i hate people for such an idiot being pity for me. thats something i most hated about. alright, people think IM INSANE, but im not. if im already insane, i wont be able to write such a serious things. people think IM GONNA SUICIDE! hahahaha.. bullshiet mannnnn … i still wanna live, reach all my dreams and be what i wanna be. there tons of things i wanted to do.

i tried to sleep early today, but then the same thing happened again like the other days. i was dreaming the same person again. i dont understand what this guy wants and what he was trying to tell me by giving me this vision in my dream. i dont understand, indeed. i know, i have to write down every single thing and keep updating whats going on with this vision, and i dont understand why this person always comes to see me in this dream. thats why, im hardly to sleep now and i think my eyes so fuckin red. every time i sleep, it always happens. but who cares, i always try to sleep. hahahaha… maybe this house is haunted by ghosts!! hohohoho… when i wake up, i always forget what just happens in my dream with all my visions on it, but somehow i tried hard to remember it. whats the connection between me and this guy? he is so fuckin good lookin man! oh my god, i dont even know this guy. but then yeah… every single day i always dream the same thing, with the same person who i dont even know WHO!!

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND … how im gonna miss this friend for all my life. a word wont enuff to explain about this friend. how incredible this person changed me. left me with the most nice gift, reading thru this person’s diary. this person wrote every single thing about me in almost every page. honestly, i always do the same thing until now, like this person did in the past. i always write about this person in every page of my book and blog. not a second passes that i have never thought about this person. yesterday, i read the other article about the loss/grief, this girl was being sad for years, it took her 7 years to get back into real life again. i dont know about mine. i miss this person, always… i love this person to death, my most most most bestest, very best best best friend!!! i never told anyone about this friend though. its not an important issue to tell ppl that i had a friend who understands me inside out. sometimes i dont let go if Lord took this person so fast. i must say, hardly to find this kind of friend.

funny when i remember this … yknow i used to hate tim tam a lot or chocolate! fuckin hell, i hated this shiet! i just dont like chocolate or whatever ice cream since im not into desserts at all (unless you give me food!). but this person have always put a choco in ma bag. when i found it, ive always returned it to this person. i just hated chocolate! but then this person just gave me a big empty box to keep those chocos that this person gave to me. this person said, "just in case u need chocos, if u dont like it, just throw it here and im gonna put it here (carried the box to a corner of my house)". haaaaa… funny, i didnt wanna even look at it. by now, some of em already expired, but dunno why at the moment im craving to have chocolates all the time esp. timtam. i enjoy desserts, i enjoy cakes, i enjoy every little things that i hated the most in my life. when im sad, i eat chocolate, i eat ice cream. something that ive never done in my whole life. i used to think why do ppl love choco and ice cream that much? i dont eat choco because "i cant eat it", every time i eat it, i will get sick. ive nver told anyone, and ppl started to think im doing DIET AND IVE NEVER DONE IT FOR WHOLE MY LIFE AND I DONT WANT TO. I HATE DOING DIET COZ I LOVE EATING!! but now yeah, i can eat whatever i want. hahaha… coz i can eat chocos now!! no allergies!! hohohoho….

this person had a black book, as same as mine, the one this person gave to me. thought one day we would exchange it and see what we wrote in the past. that book has already fulled with my thoughts, drawings, art things, etc. but guess, this person hadnt have a chance to see mine. i love that book too much until i couldnt get a new one no more. because i couldnt it find it anymore. its a special design, you wont find it anywhere. believe it or not, i do design my own book cover!! hahaha…. after im writing a few sentence of this blog, in this paragraph. sigh… i love drawing and design things but its been soooooooooooooooo looooooonnnnnngggggg ive never done this anymore. maybe im not able to draw anymore? i lost ma skills. coz as long as i remember, i never paid attention to the teacher, ive always drawn in classes or just stupid doodles! haaaaa… im thinkin to take grafic design course for 3 months. im thinkin about it n im planning about it. but as i said, i cant afford it. sadly, yeah….

and theres a page that this person wrote, and it goes like this:

2003.06.25

"it is amazing how i finally find out that there is still a human being who hates chocolates and ice cream that much. i have a plan that every day i would put a few chocolates in her bag, i would let her know that chocolates are good. i hope she won’t hate me as much as she hates chocolates. for the ice cream, i havent found an idea but dont worry i’ll figure it out later. look, what she did today? she gave me this face (this person drew the face), very black ugly face. but i brought my golden retriever, a cute puppy, when she saw it, her cheeky smile released from her face. i know, she adores my cute puppy. then we started our day playing with my puppy, had late lunch, had coffee, dinner, movie and party all nite long. by the way, i like her silly thoughts and lame jokes, it just bright-up my day for little bit. to be honest, her jokes are very lame and her cheeky smile is the most annoying thing you have ever seen. if you see her carefully, she always gives you the same form of smile all the time. her smile can be a naughty smile as well. the way she laughs is very odd, too. she has more or less 5 types of laughs"…………………………………

when i read what this person wrote above, i was laughing and smiling. this person’s black book is such a novel for me, every day this person wrote an amazing things happened in our lives. im learning more each day. 3 years down from the things this person wrote, im stil the same old skool shiet. i dont expect to change myself. sometimes i can be sad about this person, but on the other time, i can smile and laugh when i think back about what we have done and thru. the most fabolous moments with this person and friends. i would never ever found this type of person no more. one in a millions. a real good friend, indeed. the one you can count on every day, the one who never think that you’re crazy, so bubble, a lot of crazy ideas, easy to approach, adoreable, insane and so on. every moment that i spent with this person was amazing esp. when this person played a piano. it just hit your mind and heart with the skill. i admire this person a lot because of this person’s personalities and the things that this person have done. a cool apperance, calm but inside so soft and gentle. till the day i die, i wont forget this person, an amazing friend. i was truly blessed to have this person in my life once and i should not regret with everything and i should not hate Lord, for taking this person away from me. i dont mind to cry more because this person is worth of my tears. i dont mind to recall all the memories, because this person deserves it. may God always be with you. im staying with ya, bro!! thank you for everything. i miss you and i love you, indeed!! thank your for being such a cool and great friend and bro[ccoli]!

peace!! im outta here.

PS: once this person said, "what makes you holding back from the things that you really want?", and since today, when i investigated this question once more, i realized that there is a tiny thing that made me holding back from the things that i always wanted. i was searching and i found the answer. because i just dont want a "change", because i still want to stay the same, i still wanna stay in the same ground. because im not ready to change and moving along with the current situation or whatsoever nowadays. and due to this, i finally found a right decision. at the moment, im waiting for the right time. so perhaps around at least september to november, i’ll make it happens and by that time i think im ready to pursue the things that i always wanted. ahakhakhakhakahkahkahakhakakaa… -marilah semua membantu mendoakan saya- lolz…

so, shall we dance one more time? let’s celebrate my new journey of life. all i can say at the mo is, i wanna go home! hahahhahaa… i wanna ride swift … i wanna scream as loud as i can, as same as when i screamed for M.U.F.C! i wanna get back to ma biggest passions …

[2003.03.03] this person wrote like this, "when im tired of myself. i find you to calm my heart. after a conversation of this and that, i became better again. even after i talked to you a lot. nothing really changed between us. but from the same time, i looked at you. YOU, who is so beautiful. im going to tell you soon. it might be awkward. the moment that ive been waiting for has come. i waited all day, im going crazy thinkin whether or not, i should tell you. just dash. this is just beginning. sometimes when someone is next to you. my heart gets uneasy for no reason. i wonder if your heart flutters when you’re lonely and you find me. i gather all the little things i thought. i think i know something now. im next to be the one and only person that felt so distant from you. what are you thinking? i hope my heart isnt revelead to you, who look at me awkwardly. i’ll confess now, i like you. it was so hard to say. i couldnt go to sleep. i hope you’ll accept my heart because you are the biggest part of me. i didnt even know this. yeah, thats the way it gets to be even though you say we cant be friends anymore. i hope you accept my heart".

"[2004.04.10] love doesnt mean anything to me, seems to me its a waste of time that creates meaningless problems in your life. i think its funny how you have to sweet talk-just to make someone you like happy. you tell her stuff that you even dont know the meaning of, just to be with her. why? i dont see any sense at all. why do you want to go through that hassle because of some girls? but I, sometimes try to escape from my lonely self. this must be it. this is what you call love. finding myself changing little by little, seeing a smile on my face. is this what you call happiness>? hope to stay forever like this. i think im falling in love with you. my heart is beating fast. im slowly turning into a different person. its a feeling ive never had. is this what you call love? i think, i know now. whats happening ot me? i feel something warm, moving in my heart. i dont know exactly how to describe this feeling i have. watching action movies, i never enjoyed watching before, going to restaurant i used to avoid-just to be with the girl i love, willing to do everything she wants. you’re the one who makes me become a better person. i know this happens only once in a life time. theres only you in my life. your love created this miracle for me. i wanna with you forever".

cmon mannnnnnnnn … dont be such a naive person!!! its so
annoyin!!! someone is so fcukin annoying. hohohoho … btw, remember
last week i told ya that i was kinda dreaming of someone who i dont
even know at all for a few times? as i could picture his face cleary
and blah blah blah plus and today after slept a few hours, fcuk damn i
woke up all of sudden coz of 3 strange dreams again in a row. thats not
funny mannn if it happens again, someone tried to tell me something …
cmon mannnnnn .. im not a person who is as same as MEDIUM series, who
always have visions in the dream and so on. but oh well .. i am, too
bad!! too bad! its scary, hey? yeah…

im not expecting this DEATH kind of a thing. im not
expecting this FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND. im not expecting MOURNING days. im
not expecting things like that. NEVER!!! it was all of sudden and it
just happens. it supposed to be someone else NOT ME! let me recall
again … that day, it was raining day, it was so heavy, cold and i was
doing something with other mates, well too busy. then one phone call
struck me like a shiet. the person on the phone who talked really fast
and i thought i heard it as a mistake, she said, "hurry! emergency. he
wants to see you. meet in me hospital entrance, call me you get
here!!!". snoop says, "smoke weed, and fcuk da worlds to live by!", and
thats what i did, just left everything then just ran faster and faster
in heavy rain coz i couldnt any cabs around. but then, i found one
after i almost lost ma breathe. there you go … after sometime, i
arrived there, she met me and took me where he laid down and dying.
from my head to toe, i was wet like a mad dog and his sis handed me a
towel to clean/dry myself. he just smiled at me. ah… this friend, the
one i always love the most in my life. as i approached him, he asked
everyone to wait outside coz he wanted to talk to me. everyone was
slowly stepped outside. that time i was thinkin, "mannnn…. you look
so pale but you’re still able to smile!".

he says like this, "glad you made it in time. it seems i have waited
you too long to come". right that  time, i bursted into tears before
even he ended his sentence. "silly girl, i know you’re gonna cry, so
here i prepared you this (a box of tissues)", he was smiling. i couldnt
even say a word. i remember every single word he said perfectly, "i
know this is gonna be tough for you. i know you never realized it but
im always watching you coz youre too clumsy, too nice, too honest and
silly, sometimes. i care about you a lot. it’s not gonna be easy for
me, too, yknow? i still remember the first time we met and became
friends. i won’t forget those summer sunny days. im gonna miss those
days when were dining out, doing stupid things, your stupid music, your
pink hair, your odd habits, everything about you and time we spent
together. i wish i could stay longer but i think my time is coming.
here, listen to this".

thats the time he closed his eyes forever and he gave me
a CD. i bursted more tears, sobbing all the time, and i couldnt say anything, then i just went
outside and told them what happened, and yet everyone was crying like a
hell. after when back home, i wasnt that happy and even still cried
like a hell and i remembered about the CD. so then, i turned it on, and
… oh my god! thats my song … my song … my old school song, the
one i have always loved when i was junior high even until now. it goes
like this:

Stay Forever

by Joey Lawrence

Outside my windowThe rain is pouring downAnd I can see your face mirrored in my mindI have to wonderIs this just a dream?Are you thinking of me and looking through your window too? And I'll make a wishAnd send it out to youI've got all my heart, and all my love to giveI didn't mean to make you hurt Or make you cryI still feel this love, girlDeep inside 

Chorus:I wanna stay forever with youFeeling every heartbeat So close to mineI wanna stay forever with youHolding on to every breathStay forever with you 

I remember all those endless nightsWhen a look in each other's eyesMade everything alrightAnd every kiss would go on for eternityA feel of your touch would take my breath away 

And I'll make a wishAnd send it out to youI've got all my heart, and all my love to giveAnd this hurt to feel it girlI feel it tooDon't wanna live my lifeWithout you 

(Chorus) 

Even though we're apart, girlI feel close to your heartAnd now time is standing stillWaiting for you 

(Chorus) 

(Stay forever with you)I wanna stay forever(Feeling every heartbeat)You know it's true, I love you(I wanna stay forever)I don't think I'd be able to make it without you, girlStay forever with youI need you now, baby

and since that day, my life went insane!!! no one knows
whats going on with me! im just "cocconing" myself from the world. and
this is exactly happen to me:

"after leith’s death. i tried to stay in the stream of life to help
myself get through it. outwardly, i seemed fine to everyone - no one
would ever know i had recently lost someone i love. but lookin back, i
can see there were signs that i wasnt myself, like feeling exhausted
all the time. i had little energy to exercise reguraly or cook decent
meals. when not at work, i playeda radio thru headphones to try to
cocoon myself from world. i had to stop drinkin particularly the next
day. i also developed insomnia - it would take hours to get to sleep,
then i would wake up around 3am every night, and lay where with my mind
racing about anything and everything for hours. at those times, i felt
very alone. finally a friend said, "you havent seemed like yourself for
a long time". leith was gone; that he would never get enjoy things like
getting married or having children and that we would not be there for
each other as we grew old".

and i love this song .. sigh ….

Artist: Robin Thicke

Song: Against The World

These days it’s hard to find someone to love once you find them you don’t want to give up And now I know that we’re both alone in this it’s just me and you against the world And there’s me and there’s you It’s just me and you against the world (Oh girl) And, what am I supposed to do the alarms are going off in my head and It’s dangerous yes It’s complicated We’re the only ones who get it the only ones that want this the only ones who believe in love It’s just the two of us getting into love It take two of us to change the world I’ve got you you’ve got me It’s just me and you against the world Girl, you got me so crazy in longing and I know it’s wrong but so right and i’m holding you I have been dreaming and I can’t let you go now, you’re mine Girl, what am I supposed to do the alarms are going off in my head It’s just the two of us getting into love It takes two of us to change the world I got you you got me It’s just me and you against the world It’s just the two of us getting into love It takes two of us to change the world

booooooooooooo hooooooooooooo .. new gossip .. gossip!! hahahaa… i dont give a damn, anyways … but its kinda weird though!! why am i all of sudden back to OLD SKOOl thang? my taste of music is so crap now… my taste of clothing is so damn creepy!! my fav tv program is also strange. oh oh oh oh oh oh … so weird!!! im so fuckin pissed off with ma IPOD (video) hahahahaa… i wasted so many hours to figure it out just only to find out stupid things that i added to my IPOD. half way to go .. i need more space on ma computer!! i guess, WON was correct that i need to buy 300GB … at the mo i only have 120GB.. and its not even enuff!! 3 years ago, i deleted tonz of things…

did i just slip away from ma life? did i regret things that happened? did i? did i? did i? BY THE WAY, lookin thru that black book, someone wrote this and i read it as:

"year of 2004: classmate XXXXXXXXXX (cant mention da name). im XXXXXXXXXX (cant mention da name) from class F. um, i dont think you know me but i know a lot about you. from the first time i met you at freshman orientation that day on i couldnt take my eyes on. it didnt matter if you were making a speech or you were talking to a person next to you, or you were by yourself. i could always, from a crowd, immediately know you position, identify where you are. it seemed as wherever you are, there would be light. sorry, im so straight forward. but i kept thinkin, if  i didnt say it now. i dont know when next time, i would have the courage. if i didnt say it now, the next time we meet, there could be more changes. there have been many times, i gave up an opportunity to profess to you. this time, i told myself, no matter what, im not letting you go. sorry, im being bold again. my crush for you has gone on for 2 years. in order to not let this feeling be a regret forever. so ive decided to be bravely write this letter profess to you my feelings. I LIKE YOU!!! from XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (cant mention da name)

oh my god!!!!! oh oh oh oh oh oh my god!!!! oh nooooo … oh my god!! oh noooooooooo … hahahhahahahahahahhahahahahhahaa maybe i shouldnt be this surprise!!!  and here another one .. (OH MY GOD!!!!) … oh nooooooooo …..

"year of 2005: dear classmate XXXXXXXXXXXXX (cant mention da name). im glad that we’re friends. every time i look at you, i cant help myself. i wanna tell you that I LIKE YOU a lot but i dont dare. i always write letters to you but ive never sent it. thinking back 3 years ago, in that freshman orientation, you took my breathe away. then now im always by your side, watching you closely, seeing and talking to you every day. im so happy. you are so cute and every time you cry because of him, i wanna wipe your tears, make you smile and tell you that everything is gonna be OK because im here with you. every day im waiting in front of your house so we can go to school together. every day i always make a lot of excuses just to see you. i would do anything for you but im just a friend of yours…………………..
………………………………
………..         ………………. ….. …….. from XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (cant mention da name)"

OH MY GOD!!!!

……………………………………

"after leith’s death. i tried to stay in the stream of life to help
myself get through it. outwardly, i seemed fine to everyone - no one
would ever know i had recently lost someone i love. but lookin back, i
can see there were signs that i wasnt myself, like feeling exhausted
all the time. i had little energy to exercise reguraly or cook decent
meals. when not at work, i playeda radio thru headphones to try to
cocoon myself from world. i had to stop drinkin particularly the next
day. i also developed insomnia - it would take hours to get to sleep,
then i would wake up around 3am every night, and lay where with my mind
racing about anything and everything for hours. at those times, i felt
very alone. finally a friend said, "you havent seemed like yourself for
a long time". leith was gone; that he would never get enjoy things like
getting married or having children and that we would not be there for
each other as we grew old".

Jason wrote this [huauhauhauhauhauhauhauhuahuhauhauhaa...]:

i know a girl. she’s innocent, cheerful and cute, waiting for someone to give her 3000 love. dont need to be very wealthy, dont need to be very handsome. she has a bad temper. sometimes you need to tolerate. sometimes you must be patient. why she fell in love with him? what is she thinking? did she forget that gorgeous guys cant be loved? what is it that lead her in the wrong direction? dont know what to do. i say how is that possible. she’s willing to give up her dignity and admirations. the game of girl chasing guys not showing even a tint of shyness. every day and nite by his side, being loud and noisy. wishing that he’d catch a glimpse of her. seeing her here and him over there. she wants to be lift up his palms and he pretends not to know but floating in his brain is the image of her smiling in front of his eyes. she says "meeting the right person is a kind of fate. i cant disagree. girls still need to know their stand point. you need to aim at the person you want". i’ll send you my lips and be yours!!!